Dear D,

Many people think I don’t have feelings. People hang up on me on the phone and act rudely toward me when certain people are around, and all my friends criticize me because I don’t cry often like they do. I do cry but they never know because they aren’t around to see. I don’t do anything to deserve this treatment and I always forgive my friends for their insolence* toward me. How do I make my friends stop judging me for not showing emotion? —Ashley, 14, New Zealand

Dear D,

There is this girl at my school that everyone makes fun of because she wears old clothes from the Salvation Army. My classmates judge this girl because of what she wears. What can I do to make people understand there is more to a person than appearance? How do I make them see this girl for who she really is? —Lindsay, 15, Florida

Dear Ashley and Lindsay,

Thank you for writing us here at Teen Voices. We like the fact that both of you can see a judgmental situation, and we think that you are great for wanting to take a stand against people who treat others unfairly.

When people form an opinion of someone or something without knowing the background information, they are making a false judgment. For example, in Ashley’s case her friends are judging her because she doesn’t cry in public like they do. In Lindsay’s situation, her classmates are judging a girl because she dresses differently. Sometimes people judge others when they are envious of them, when they are making assumptions that are not always right, or when people are just plain different.

Ashley, we understand that you have plenty of pride. You hold your head up high and you’re strong just like many females. Your friends should not treat you carelessly because you don’t show emotion. Your friends might not understand where you are coming from and don’t know that their comments hurt you. Therefore, you should tell your friends exactly how you feel, whether it be in writing, through another friend, or even over the phone. If you tell your friends and they still treat you the way they do, then maybe you should begin to distance yourself from them. We would tell you that you should “drop them like a bad habit,” but that’s hard to do. So, instead, we suggest that over time you try to meet some new friends who will treat you well.

Lindsay, we admire how you stand up for someone else. We are sure that the girl at your school appreciates everything you are trying to do for her. You’re right: your classmates shouldn’t judge her because she dresses differently. Have you heard the phrase “lead and others will follow”? If you treat the girl respectfully, then others will follow you. Also, tell your classmates that what they are doing is wrong and try to make them see life in her shoes. Even if your classmates don’t understand where you are coming from, be the girl’s friend and we hope that things will work out better for both of you.

It is not easy to bounce back from being judged or judging others. What you both are encountering is psychological oppression,* which means when someone says or does something to you to the point where you begin to believe it. Ashley, in your case, you are being psychologically oppressed because your friends make you feel deeply like you are not cared about. Lindsay, the girl at your school is being psychologically oppressed by what your peers are saying about her.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are being judged, there are a few ways to deal with that negativity. First, try ignoring the hurtful comments that are being directed at you. This will be hard at first, but you should not take such opinions seriously. Second, try to build up your confidence. By doing this, you can tackle anything that comes your way and your personality will prevail*. No matter what someone calls you, you will know that they are wrong. Remember, you are a beautiful person inside and out, and you should never let someone else’s opinion put you down. You should have enough power and confidence in yourself to know that you stand out, no matter what other people think. On the other side, when you realize that you are judging someone, stop and think about how that person would feel if they knew what you were saying about them. It’s your life and you have the power – use it!

*Insolence: rudeness and lack of respect.
*Psychological oppression: the act of someone taking over your mind by what they say or do.
*Prevail: to be greater in strength or influence; to win.

Quiz

Are you judgmental?
Are you judgmental?
It’s not hard to find out.
Are you the one judging
or just standing around?
Take this quiz and you will see
just how judgmental
you might really be.

1. If you see someone with green hair and bright yellow pants do you…
A) point and laugh.
B) watch as your friends point and laugh.
C) respect that person for having their own unique style.

2. You heard a rumor that someone at school smells like cabbage and old gym socks. Do you…
A) hold your nose when you walk by.
B) laugh when your friends hold their noses.
C) talk to that person and make your own opinion for yourself.

3. Your friend tells you she secretly likes your other friend’s boyfriend. Do you…
A) call her a slut and tell your other friend.
B) tell her to talk to another friend, knowing that they won’t understand.
C) tell her she’s not doing anything wrong and she can’t control how she feels.

4. If you find out your friend is a lesbian, do you…
A) tell everyone at school.
B) stand there as your classmates tell jokes about your friend.
C) know that everyone is different and accept your friend for who she is.

5. You found out that your friend masturbates, you…
A) never go near her again – “That’s nasty!”
B) make fun of your friend – “She’s very desperate.”
C) understand that your friend has a high sexual desire and it’s completely healthy.

6. You find out your friend is pregnant and you…
A) tell her to NEVER talk to you again because she’s stupid.
B) tell her you don’t like her because she’s “fast.”
C) tell her you’ll stay her friend no matter what and you’ll do anything to help her.

Mostly As:
You tend to judge someone before you know all the details. If you find yourself being very judgmental, try to look at the situation from the other person’s point of view. Other people have feelings too, and it is not good to diss someone for their habits or appearance because you may not know where that person is coming from.

Mostly Bs:
You’re not all that bad. You know when to laugh and when to make fun. But, on the other hand you are still judgmental. You tend to be a follower and you do whatever your friends do. If you were alone, would you do the things you do when your friends are around? Next time, think about what you feel is right.

Mostly Cs:
You have no judgmental bone in your body. You are a great friend and good at understanding difficult situations as well as accepting people for who they are. In addition to that, you stand up for what you think is right and for this you get 1,000 cool points.